Friday, March 19, 2010

"Was every Heathcliff a Linton in disguise?" -Margaret Atwood

Heathcliff:I got the sexton to remove the earth from off her coffin and I opened it; I saw her face again: it is hers yet …”

Nelly:You were very wicked Mr Heathcliff. How could you disturb the dead?

Heathcliff: “It’s easy. All you need is a shovel..."

(Abridged from Wuthering Heights, courtesy of Spike Milligan)

I can't wait to see Timothy Dalton as Heathcliff in this 1970 version of Wuthering Heights! I have seen three or four different remakes of this wonderful book and they have all been terrible. The best part of the film versions is being able to see the wild and desolate English countryside which is so important to the atmosphere of the story. However, all of the insanity, passion and violence of the main characters don't quite transfer well onto film. But Dalton's heavy brooding brows may just make this version worth seeing!

Catherine: "My great miseries in this world have been Heathcliff's great thought in living is himself. If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it..."

Heathcliff: "If you ever looked at me once with what I know is in you, I would be your slave."


Catherine: ""Nelly, I am Heathcliff! He's always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being...whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."


Heathcliff: "Catherine Earnshaw, may you not rest as long as I am living. You said I killed you--haunt me then. The murdered do haunt their murderers... Be with me always--take any form--drive me mad. Only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! Oh, God! It is unutterable! I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!"

Sunday, February 28, 2010


Well I was a little late for Church today. Even though I am an adult, being out the door by 8:50 a.m. is still a bit of a chore for me. It was 8:45 and my hair was still a mess, so instead of giving myself a panic attack and catching a ride with my neighbors as usual, I decided to take a deep breath, make myself presentable, and walk to Church instead. I love to walk to Church, as long as I don't wear heels of course. (Yeah I had to change my whole outfit.) If I plan ahead it isn't a problem, but since it takes about 15 minutes, I was late and missed Sacrament! I hate missing Sacrament! It is like the most important thing. Oh vanity. Really though, my hair was a wreck. I'm not 18 anymore I can no longer get away with waltzing around with the hair I woke up with.

I did catch all the talks at least, and they were really good ones today. One 13 year old pointed out that the word DISCIPLINE is related to the word DISCIPLE, something I had never thought about. From my previous paragraph, it is perhaps needless to point out that I am not the most disciplined of people. I'm working on it.

Sadly...I noticed on the program that I missed our opening hymn, "Called to Serve." I was so disappointed I missed it! Then I was a little relieved because it makes me cry when we sing it as a congregation, which is awkward to say the least. When your boyfriend is on his mission the song elicits a stronger response than perhaps usual. Especially since it always brings back the mix of emotions I felt when we sang it at the MTC (proud, yet devistated) when we dropped Chris off. Holy cow. That song might make me cry even after Chris comes home.

Oh boy, the MTC. What a disaster. I was very lucky that Chris' parents invited me to fly to Utah with them to take Chris to the MTC. It is one of the nicest things I have heard of a missionary's parents doing for the girlfriend. It meant so much to me to be part of that experience with them all.

It was hard those last three days after Chris was set apart. I hate to fly, but fortunately I was so depressed Chris was leaving that I didn't do too bad on the flight there. The flight back was terrible, but Theresa (Chris' mom) let me pour my heart out the whole time, haha. When I am nervous, boy am I a talker.

It was my first time to Utah, and I was eager to see what it was all about. It was fun to sight see, check out BYU and go to Temple square. I also got to meet Chris' brother and his wife, (hi Carly!) even though I mostly sulked in my seat the whole time and stared at Chris like a lost puppy. haha!

It is so funny looking back at all the pictures. Chris couldn't even touch me so I look very miserable, he has his hands in his pockets and mine are awkwardly at my side, folded across my chest (yes, I so went there) or, around his mom or sister Sarah. Sometimes Chris and I would both hug his mom, since we couldn't hug each other, haha.

It was a fun trip, minus knowing it was my last time to spend with Chris. He was really focused on leaving on his mission, and I was a little hurt by how excited he was. I was proud that he was ready to go, but I also knew the reality of us being apart would hit him later, which it did. So I did my best, I think I did okay.

The pictures at the MTC are so hilarious. I love the ones just of Chris, wow he looks fantastic in a suit!

I hate the ones of me, even the ones of both of us. We are standing so awkwardly next to each other, like we are a bored brother and sister. My face is as white as a sheet, and my eyes and nose were so red. You can even see the dark bags under my eyes! Terrible!

I am glad they still allowed "family" to come inside the MTC at this time, though I really don't remember much of it. I cried so hard I couldn't even was so surreal when it was time for Chris to leave after he hugged everyone else good bye. I couldn't even look at him. Then his mom, God Bless Theresa's soul, whispered "Chris! Just give her a quick little hug." Oh my, what a tender mercy as Chris' Dad, Doug, would say. He hugged me a little sheepishly and I guess we said good bye. I can't remember. And that was the last time we saw each other, almost exactly 15 months ago.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Important Information

1. I switched my major three times in college. I was "Exploratory" for a year, International Studies for a year, History for a year, and then I finally switched to English. Does that count as four times?

2. I am really scared of zombies. But I love movies and books about them. I talked to my boyfriend Chris about this awesome zombie book called World War Z, the night we met. And somehow...he still liked me.

3. Speaking of zombies, I sleep with a night light, my bear bear and my sister's dog, Haylie.

4. When I was in college, my sister's boyfriend and I got arrested for being drunk in public and we had to spend the night in jail. Another UOP student was doing a ride along with the police and he got the codes mixed up and almost booked us for prostitution! For some reason I was wearing my ski pants and jacket with slippers (I don’t remember making this decision) which made the prostitution thing even more hilarious. My mom had to pick us up the next morning. It was the first time she had ever met my sister’s boyfriend.

5. My sister's boyfriend was interested in the Mormon Church during this time and called his missionaries from jail at 3 am.

6. A few weeks later I wrote a story in my creative writing class about falling off my bicycle and two Mormon missionaries trying to help me. In my story I run away, terrified.

7. Now, 4 years later: I am Mormon....and engaged to a Mormon Missionary! He is serving in Hamburg, Germany.

8. PS I don’t drink anymore. Duh!

9. I hate driving! I don’t have a car and almost never drive. Good thing Chris loves to drive!

13. I also really hate flying in airplanes, even though I have flown tons. I accept that I am going to die every time and it is very traumatic for me. But it is also exhilarating when I see I am still alive. It surprises me every time.

12. One time my dad wanted me to go on a dirt bike riding trip with him near Bakersfield. I had finals and couldn't drive with him, so he bought me a plane ticket since I wouldn't (couldn't, whatever) drive myself. Bakersfield is only like 220 miles from Stockton. I flew from Sacramento in the morning, had a 4 hour lay over all the way in Phoenix, AZ and then I finally arrived in Bakersfield that night. That is when I knew I sucked at life.

11. I have deep scars on my torso and thigh from my first bad crash on my dirt bike. I wasn’t hurt that bad, but I was so scared I puked in my helmet.

15. Chris and I met in Stockton, at University of the Pacific. We found out later that we were both born in Livermore, CA, at the same hospital and we were even delivered by the same doctor.

16. I teach the five year old Sunday school class at my church. I love it. They say the best prayers. Sometimes they bless the food, even though we are not eating.

17. A few years ago I was Harry Potter for Halloween and none of my friends would dance with me. I also lost my glasses, wand and broom. I should post that picture sometime.

18. I think Alan Rickman is really sexy!

19. I am really good at throwing food up in the air and catching it with my mouth. It may be my only talent.

20. I really love to read, just about everything. Reading is my "hobby". I would say one of my weirdest to read while I am taking a walk. It is a lot easier than it sounds or else I would claim it as a another talent.

Monday, February 8, 2010

I Guess I'm Not Much of a Blogger

Since Chris left on his mission I notice that I take more of an active interest in the people around me. It is so easy to get caught up in your own world when you spend all of your time with your significant other. The best advice that I could give to a girl waiting for a missionary is to take the focus off of yourself (and the missionary's absence from your life) and put your focus on people around you. Not just your friends, family or ward family, but anyone who seems like they need someone to care. Ironically, giving someone else my time has taken a huge weight off my shoulders. It has made a different person, more calm, more likely to listen and has given me a deeper capacity to care about others. I am typically very selfish with my time. I generally want people to just leave me alone, unless it suits me of course. I am glad this has kind of changed. Focusing on others helps time fly. It also provides a good opportunity to provide the "service" we are always talking about in Relief Society. Sometimes the greatest service you can offer someone is to listen to them without rushing them along so you can get out of the building after the third hour ASAP.

I love relief society in my family ward. The women there really pay attention to our lesson and to each other. The women are really there for service-they really want to know how I am doing. It means a lot to me. They really mean it when they ask me over for dinner, they aren't going through the motions or faking their smile. It's just loving and effortless. I love the old ladies the most, the ones that are not worried about their babies, their husbands or anything else but what is presently going on. They are so serene and relaxed. I have more in common with the old ladies than the endlessly text messaging YSA's. I don't know how Chris is going to feel about that when he gets back!

I have changed a lot since I was baptized over a year and a half ago. The changes have been so subtle. I am the same person, just....more gentle or something. I'm not as loud or anxious. I don't really know how to explain it. Like an old lady?, not quite yet. It is strange to me how different I will be when Chris comes home. He will be one of those awkward RM's though, so maybe we will still be on the same page. I'm just so calm all the time, I hope I don't bore him to death. I mean seriously, its only 7 am and I'm out of bed. I used to just be getting home at this time.

I hate to admit it but I'm also just not the same without Chris. I guess I can't keep that factor out completely. I was reading about how when a loved one dies, a part of yourself actually DOES "die" too. There are parts of your brain that are only triggered by particular people. So it is possible to not fully be yourself, when someone important is missing from your life. Chris hasn't died, but he has been gone for a long time. Part of myself is just kind of numb without him here.

I meant to end this on a high point. I think I was originally writing about how peaceful I feel, then decided I must be an old lady and then concluded that I am actually dead. I'm not very good about staying on point. Some things never change!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Btw, absolute failure at going to bed early. Or anything remotely near a reasonable hour.

It occured to me today that it is amazing I have not been weeded out by natural selection.

And those are my only thoughts for now.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Chris has been on his mission going on 10 months! Not too shabby. I love Chris just as much as I did the day he left. I haven't questioned waiting for him at all. We have done a great job communicating and keeping in touch, he has been so attentive and considerate. I have not worried about our relationship at all. I appreciate that because the distance is enough to deal with!

Before Chris left I was so scared of how it would feel after being apart for so long. Well, now I know and though it is hard, things are just fine. Certaintly not as good as him being here, but not void and disconnected like I feared it would be. I will be so happy to have him back. Unfortunately, its too soon to be thinking too much about THAT. All in all I feel like a very lucky girl.

Someone gave a talk in Church a few weeks ago saying three things we need for a good life are: Faith, Virtue and Gratitude. I have really examined why I agree with that and I want to focus on them in my daily life. I wrote them on the front of my planner, so I won't forget.

Maybe if I ever get around to blogging again, I will explain why I liked the talk so much and even find out which Church Authority actually said it in the first place. :-)

Friday, May 29, 2009

To Begin With

I had a list of new things to do and learn while Chris is on his mission, (piano, German, sewing.) Things to develop into daily habits (getting up earlier, yoga) habits to break (staying up too late, biting nails.) And a bunch of other things that fall somewhere inbetween. I was going to kind of write about them on this blog as a way to keep track of it all and kind of encourage myself. I had the list, but I am going to have to think about it a little more. I am not so sure what I am going to be writing about on here. I will have to find the balance between writing for myself, writing what other people would care to read, as well as what I would feel okay with other people knowing about. We will see!

One of the things I wanted to do was start a garden (garten, as Chris would say in German) and kind of write about the experience. Well, its a little late since I started my garten already. I truly enjoy working in it and making it better everyday. But don't worry, I am not going to blog about it on a regular basis! As Chris has informed me, hearing about my garten is cute in general, but the details are not very interesting. So if the love of my life doesn't care to hear about it, I doubt anyone else will either!

But it has made me happy. It has given me a little bit more structure to my day. It is a little thing I look forward to and feel good about doing. Plus, it is really is cute.

Everyday I see a new way having a garten is similar to... having a self. How weeds can start to take over the fruit, if you dont get down on your knees and pull them out. It is easy to ignore them while they are so small, but then over night, they have taken over. If you wait too long to pull them, their roots will get tangled with the good plants, and removing them will cause damage to the plant you wanted to save.

I like that putting in a little work into my garten on a daily basis makes a visable difference in the long run. I kind of relate that to losing weight, studying, saving money and even waiting for Chris. It is a slow process that only shows success if you are consistant and dedicated, everyday. I didn't have that kind of discipline growing up. It's something I have had to learn through a lot of failure, and finally, with much success. Sure, skipping a work out, splurging on some shoes, or not pulling weeds one day doesn't seem like a a big deal. But I have learned that those seemingly small daily choices DO make all the difference in the world.

Lastly, I like that we just learned in Institute that ALL living things, including plants, herbs and flowers, were created spiritually, before they were created physically. So they have little spirits. How lovely is that?