I Guess I'm Not Much of a Blogger

Since Chris left on his mission I notice that I take more of an active interest in the people around me. It is so easy to get caught up in your own world when you spend all of your time with your significant other. The best advice that I could give to a girl waiting for a missionary is to take the focus off of yourself (and the missionary's absence from your life) and put your focus on people around you. Not just your friends, family or ward family, but anyone who seems like they need someone to care. Ironically, giving someone else my time has taken a huge weight off my shoulders. It has made a different person, more calm, more likely to listen and has given me a deeper capacity to care about others. I am typically very selfish with my time. I generally want people to just leave me alone, unless it suits me of course. I am glad this has kind of changed. Focusing on others helps time fly. It also provides a good opportunity to provide the "service" we are always talking about in Relief Society. Sometimes the greatest service you can offer someone is to listen to them without rushing them along so you can get out of the building after the third hour ASAP.

I love relief society in my family ward. The women there really pay attention to our lesson and to each other. The women are really there for service-they really want to know how I am doing. It means a lot to me. They really mean it when they ask me over for dinner, they aren't going through the motions or faking their smile. It's just loving and effortless. I love the old ladies the most, the ones that are not worried about their babies, their husbands or anything else but what is presently going on. They are so serene and relaxed. I have more in common with the old ladies than the endlessly text messaging YSA's. I don't know how Chris is going to feel about that when he gets back!

I have changed a lot since I was baptized over a year and a half ago. The changes have been so subtle. I am the same person, just....more gentle or something. I'm not as loud or anxious. I don't really know how to explain it. Like an old lady? Haha...no, not quite yet. It is strange to me how different I will be when Chris comes home. He will be one of those awkward RM's though, so maybe we will still be on the same page. I'm just so calm all the time, I hope I don't bore him to death. I mean seriously, its only 7 am and I'm out of bed. I used to just be getting home at this time.

I hate to admit it but I'm also just not the same without Chris. I guess I can't keep that factor out completely. I was reading about how when a loved one dies, a part of yourself actually DOES "die" too. There are parts of your brain that are only triggered by particular people. So it is possible to not fully be yourself, when someone important is missing from your life. Chris hasn't died, but he has been gone for a long time. Part of myself is just kind of numb without him here.

I meant to end this on a high point. I think I was originally writing about how peaceful I feel, then decided I must be an old lady and then concluded that I am actually dead. I'm not very good about staying on point. Some things never change!